Medical School... the hardest and best of times

I cannot believe I graduated medical school.  Looking back, the four years felt fast.  But, in the moment I remember it feeling like forever.  The constant, baseline stress that covered every part of my life.  The feeling of worry that I needed to study every moment of every dat.  Yet, it was all worth it and more than that, I feel prepared for residency, to help my patients, and become the best doctor I can be.

I thought in this post, I would go through some of the hard times and best times of medical school.

the Hardest of Times

1. The fear of not being good enough.
I am not sure if it is just my insecure nature or that I took a few years off from school when I worked as a dietitian.  But, I was nervous I would not be good enough to become a doctor.  This feeling was especially evident the first two years of medical school.  It was hard constantly worrying that I was going to fail an exam.  However, as first year progressed and I was getting good grades, I realized I could do it.  Then boards studying started.  I took three 8 hour board exams in medical school.  The first two were the most stressful and your score literally decides what specialty you can apply to.  Myself and Mike studied 12 hours a day (not exaggerating at all) for about 6 months.  It was worth it!  We did well and I finally started believe I could do this!

2.  Being diagnosed with Crohn's disease first year of medical school.
Medical school was challenging, but being diagnosed with a chronic disease was just as hard.  Balancing school with doctors appointments, hospital visits and procedures was not only challenging, but a learning experience and very humbling.  I learned what it feels like to be vulnerable.  To be scared while waiting for a diagnosis.  It was an eye opening experience and even though it was hard, I would not change any of it.  Having crohn's disease makes me understand my patients' perspective.  It has lead me to pursue a career in gastroenterology, has made me stronger mentally, and I believe will make me a better doctor.

3. The feeling of defeat when you cannot help a patient.
I felt this as a dietitian sometimes, but not to the extent when you are the physician/primary provider for the patient.  Seeing a patient die of cancer and not being able to help is devastating.  Trying to help a patient that does not want to help themselves is frustrating.  Knowing when to do nothing is challenging.

the Best of Times

1. Realizing I can do it!
Every exam, every start of a new rotation, every patient... there is a thought that I can't do it.  That I could fail.  But, as the years went on I realized I could do it.  Then the focus became if I could do it better; more efficiently and with more compassion, all while decreasing the stress I put on myself.  I definitely still put pressure on myself, but I think I have gotten better about it. (we will see how intern year goes haha)

2. Meeting Mike.
Never in a million years did I think I would meet the love of my life at medical school.  Let alone, while I was sick with crohn's disease.  Thank goodness he was patient.  I was distant for months because I did not want to get hurt and I was not ready to share all the details of my disease with him.  But, slowly and surely I opened up and showed my true self.  It truly is an amazing feeling to have someone love you for you. 

3. Making Amazing friends and having the support of my family. 
I thought medical school was going to be like undergrad.  Everyone person out for themselves.  But, at Rowan it was the opposite!  We all shared notes, tutored each other, and was there to lend an ear for listening or hand while moving.  I made BEST friends and am so blessed.  I am also blessed for the support of my family. 
My Mom, Dad, and Aunt Connie are amazing and although I like doing things on my own, if I needed their help they were always there for me.  My siblings are great listeners, when I was stressed, upset or just needed to vent they were who I called.  I really am lucky to have sisters that are also my best friends. 

So, now I guess I am ready to start residency and become a doctor!  I cannot believe how fast (and slow at times) these four years went.  I am excited for all I am about to learn and to become the best doc I can be!